Dr. Raghu Appasani, here! As a psychiatrist working with families, I've noticed a troubling pattern: More parents are choosing their phones over intimate conversations with their partners before bed. Think about it: The last thing your children see before they go to bed is you, hunched over a glowing screen, scrolling endlessly while your partner lies beside you. 

According to Common Sense Media's 2019 report "The New Normal: Parents, Teens, Screens, and Sleep in the United States," 61% of parents check their mobile devices within 30 minutes of going to sleep. The Pew Research Center's 2024 survey "How Teens and Parents Approach Screen Time" found that 46% of teens say their parent is at least sometimes distracted by their phone when they’re trying to talk to them.

While scrolling on your phone before bed might seem like a minor habit, children are watching – and learning – from every choice their parents make. When you choose your phone over your partner, you’re unconsciously teaching your children that:

1. Digital connections trump real-world intimacy

2. It's normal to avoid face-to-face communication

3. Relationships don't require our full attention

The impact ripples beyond bedtime. Children who observe parents prioritizing devices over partner interaction show higher levels of anxiety and decreased ability to form deep emotional connections. They're learning relationship patterns that may affect their own future partnerships.

Breaking the Pattern

But repair is possible. There’s still time to teach your kids the importance of emotional presence over screens. Here's what you can do starting tonight:

1. Create a "Device-Free Bedroom" policy

• Set up charging stations outside the bedroom

• Use an old-fashioned alarm clock instead of your phone

• Swap physical books for phones before bed

2. Model Intentional Connection

• Have visible conversations with your partner

• Share a few minutes of eye contact and discussion about your day

• Show physical affection (appropriate for children to observe) like holding hands or hugging

3. Establish Family Tech Boundaries

• Create device-free zones in the house where you spend family time (like your dining room table!)

• Set device curfews for everyone, not just kids

• Have open discussions about healthy technology use

The Bigger Picture

Remember, our children don't just listen to what we say – they absorb what we do. Every time we choose our phone over our partner, we're writing a script for our children's future relationships. But every time we put down our devices and turn toward our partners, we're teaching them what real connection looks like.

As one parent in my practice recently shared, "When I stopped bringing my phone to bed, my 12-year-old asked why. It opened up an amazing conversation about relationships and attention. Now she reminds me when I slip up!"

Tonight, before you climb into bed, ask yourself: What story do I want my children to tell about relationships? What patterns do I want them to carry forward?

The good news is that change starts with awareness. By making conscious choices about our bedtime habits, we can reshape the narrative our children are learning about love, connection, and what truly deserves our attention in life's quiet moments.

Your phone will be there in the morning. Your children's understanding of healthy relationships is forming right now.